He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
