if i can run in heels then i can drive
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
