Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My liver just had a heart attack.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
