When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
