im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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