woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
