I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
