I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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