Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
