none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
