Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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