I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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