you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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