we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
