Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
