im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
