So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
