my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You have to summon your inner elephant
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
this hospital has no fireball
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
