We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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