put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
