Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
