You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
