The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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