She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
