a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
