im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
