I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
