My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Even my vagina gasped.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
