you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
party gras won. party gras always wins.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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