Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
