Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
