my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
