You're my little dorito
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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