Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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