woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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