And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
