who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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