I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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