WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
