I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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