I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
