I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
