its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
