I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
