Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I could make wine with my vomit
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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