Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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