just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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