My nipple is on Facebook.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
