He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
