you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
