On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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