She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
